God The Strength of My Heart – Jasmin C
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Early Convictions
I grew up in a non-Christian family and studied in a Catholic school. I followed the rituals in the school where they had weekly mass. Whenever I walked past the school cathedral, I would bow to the cross at the front of the hall and put the holy water on my forehead and shoulder. I did not really understand what those actions meant and why we had to do that but I understood that God was watching over me.
When I was fourteen, some school mates of mine brought me to a Christian church nearby where we had Christian fellowship meetings. I was also invited to join in a small fellowship group that met in school every morning. However, we were often scolded by our principal who was a strict Catholic nun. She lectured us stating that we ought not to be organizing Christian group meetings in a Catholic school. At that time, I thought it made sense that the school banned these activities as we were doing something against the school’s rules. After that I stopped going to these meetings in the school compound, but I was still attending the Christian fellowship in the church nearby. I prayed, even though I didn’t really know what a prayer was at that time,
“Lord, if you want me to join these Christian activities, let me do it in the right way and not against the rules,” and my prayer was answered.
There really was no reason for transferring out of one of Singapore’s top schools. I don’t even remember why now but I decided to transfer to a Christian school. Miraculously, I was able to convince my parents to let me transfer to that school, and there, the next year, I was in a brand new school and freely attending all the Youth fellowship and Sunday services. The Christian school environment had created all the opportunities and atmosphere for me to learn more about Him, and I thanked Him for putting me in this school. I responded to God’s calling and received Christ as my personal savior that year.
Flooding and Ebbing
But two years after that, I slacked. I was in a different school for Pre-U and the tremendous school load was pressing down on me. I gradually started skipping Sunday services and completely stopped going to any fellowship meetings.
However, God did not forget about me. He gave me the opportunity to go overseas to further my studies after my Pre-U days, and He also sent someone to look after my spiritual life. That was the time I grew close to the Lord, got baptized, and started actively serving Him in the church.
After completing my overseas studies, I came back to Singapore, settled down, got a job, got married, and happily served the Lord together with my husband. Later, my husband was offered an overseas job. We left Singapore and started our journey of travelling from one country to another. Initially we were still searching for a church but our efforts eventually ebbed – we never attended church; we never opened the Bible. In the end, all that remained was a superficial prayer at mealtimes and at bedtime.
I had let God down but He had not given up on me. When I look back now, I see that God has asked me so many times to go back to Him during the period that I was following my husband travelling from one country to another. However, I was not aware. You could say I was like Martha in Luke 10:38-42. I was so engrossed in making sure that my husband was well taken care of, and my children were good in their studies. I was content with just living a smooth and comfortable life, but I had totally forgotten about Him.
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Back On His Path
However, God enlightened me; God set obstacles and hardships for me to overcome. I went through the most difficult time in my life a few years back. I lost everything I had. I blamed God for all the bad things happening in my life, I questioned God’s justice, and I even doubted His existence. I was on the verge of ending my life. But God was good to me, His mercy and grace great indeed. My heart led me back to Him, and He gave me the strength to overcome the most difficult period of my life and set me back onto His path.
God made me realize that I had to return to Him, for He is the one and only Lord. He is almighty and benevolent, yet he only asks for unwavering faith in return for the blessings he gives. This verse came to me while I was searching for encouragement in His words:
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.– Psalm 73:25-26
I looked for love in this world and all I found was disappointment. So many times I cried out to Him, ‘Yes Lord, I surrender all to you.’ By God’s grace, He has then lifted me out from my difficult time. I have learnt my mistakes; I have learnt to put Him in the centre of my life now. In Him, I’ve found peace and comfort. Though a long and winding process, I have learnt to find strength in Him and to always faithfully trust in Him.
When I came back to Singapore in 2005, I immediately searched for a church that I would be comfortable with and finally ended up in WEFC. I prayed to God that I would be able to serve Him more and in any way possible. I told God that I would like to know Him better before I serve Him. I felt that during my youth, I was not properly equipped. I did not build my foundation right and spiritually I was weak. I told Him that I wanted to do it right this time.
Building a Foundation
I joined the Alpha course then, and I was thankful. I have learnt so many basic things I had never known previously and was not able to or was too embarrassed to ask anyone for answers. In the course, we learned the answers to basic questions such as ‘Who is Jesus?’ ‘Why Did He Die for Us?’ ‘Why Do We Need Him?’ ‘What Do We Have To Do To Know Him More?’ and ‘How Can We Keep a Close Relationship with Him?’
For me, it was not only to know Him more, it also set a starting point and a guide for me to continue to build a close relationship with Him. I was touched by the hospitality of the brothers and sisters of the congregation as well as the pastors, not to mention the magnificent feasts we had for every session. I thank God that through this course I have come to know so many others in Christ and for being able to join a care group where we share our experiences and encourage each other.
I thank God for He has never forsaken me. I want to continue to seek Him, to gain more bible knowledge, to grow stronger spiritually, and to build a closer relationship with Him, and I hope I’ll be able to contribute and serve Him more in time.
- Jasmin C
[Editor's note: sky and dove image courtesy of and copyright by art.com]
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